


EandR-otica

by emimix3



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, erotica au, porn au, sfw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-06
Updated: 2014-02-08
Packaged: 2018-01-11 09:56:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1171716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emimix3/pseuds/emimix3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Enjolras and Grantaire begin to have a bit of fame on the Internet for their erotic videos. Of course, that's the kind of hobby they prefer to keep secret. Of course, that's the kind of hobby they can't really keep secret.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It's my first published work about les Misérables ! Really, really sorry for any English mistake I could have made. It's not really my first language, so I kind of have a hard time with it. But I really wanted to write SFW porn AU.
> 
> For Flo !

They didn't exactly know how or when it began. Like, two months into their relationship maybe. Enjolras one night asked Grantaire if it was possible to fuck in front of a mirror tonight. He wanted to see how it was, he said. Grantaire wasn't really fond of the idea, to say the least. He already hated to look at himself in a mirror in normal conditions, so watching his pre-orgasm face? But their sex life is based on trying new things. Why not trying, after all. It'll please Enjolras, and if really he himself didn't like it they wouldn't have to do it ever again, or they could even stop in the middle of it; or he could just turn his head. So Grantaire wasn't that hard to convince. 

 

They both ended up finding that incredibly, incredibly _hot_. Fucking in front of the mirror became something common for them. But they quickly got kind of bored with it. They couldn't make all their favourite positions, they couldn't see all they wanted to see, and they always had their eyes closed at the best parts. So one day, when they were lying on the bed after a particularly sweaty round, Grantaire made a proposition.

 

“We could use a camcorder.” 

“What?”

“I said: we could use a camcorder. If you want to. Like that, we can see everything we want to see, at the angle we want, and we can re-watch it when we want.” Grantaire repeated, his face turned toward his doubtful boyfriend. 

“For Courfeyrac to find the videos someday?”

“No, of course no. It stays between us. No way that any of our friends see us fucking.”

 

Enjolras wasn't fond of the idea, but their sex life is based on trying new things. And, he could always delete the tape if it was too awful. So, he wasn't too hard to convince.

 

And then again, they both found it incredibly, incredibly _hot_. Their first video was short, the fact of being filmed turned them into shy virgins again. It was also a little blurry, not centred, and the light wasn't good at all. But they both loved this video. It was saved with a nice name in the porn folder of Enjolras' laptop. (He could permit himself to have a 'Porn' folder, because it's not like anyone would ever use his laptop. Even Grantaire didn't have the right to touch it.)

Their next videos were a little better. They found the right places to put the camera, the good focus, and Grantaire brought in the spotlight that was until then in his own flat, and that he used when he did photography, and, more importantly, they had much more fun when filming. Then they added two other recording devices to Enjolras' old cam recorder: Grantaire's camera, and another camcorder they bought together for Valentine's Day. Enjolras' room was beginning to look like a porn studio, but he didn't complain. He even really, really, really liked it. He just hoped that Combeferre, his flatmate and best friend, would never enter the room when everything was out. There are conversations he didn't want to have.

Now that they had three cameras, so three recording angles, Grantaire began to edit the footages. Enjolras like those moments, after sex, when Grantaire and him were in bathrobes, sitting at the desk to watch the recordings and editing them, cutting some parts, trying to find out which filters made it better, or even adding some music. Never something loud, but a little background sound. 'Your moans are the best music anyway, Enjolras. No need to cover that' Grantaire once said. (Enjolras groaned when he heard that. Was he serious, really?)

 

They liked all their videos, from the bolder to the most loving ones. Some were funny, some were passionate, some were, um... weird, to say the least.

 

“I really like this one. I think it's my favourite.” Enjolras once said, when they were looking at the finish result of a newly edited footage.

“I know. I really love it to. Your face is a piece of art in it.”

“ _Everything_ is a piece of art in it.”

 

They stopped to talk to watch the particularly hot final that was now playing, and as soon as the video ended, Enjolras said:

 

“We should put it on the internet.”

“What?”

“What, what? It's not like anyone will see it, drowned in the middle of all the porn videos. And, if there is like, two or three people watching and enjoying our hard work, I'd be happy.”

 

Grantaire didn't say anything for a while, before sighing, with a little smile, going on Youporn, making an account and uploading their work.

They made two, three videos maybe that didn't have a lot of success, and Grantaire proposed to make a Tumblr. It would be easier to organise, and he already used this blog platform for his art work, so why not making one for those erotic videos too? And, it's not like it wasn't art too. A different kind, of course, but they worked so hard on every little detail for them to be perfect that it could be count as such. A little. 

 

“How do you want to call the blog?” the artist asked his boyfriend.

“I don't know... Something like, er, 'erotica'?”

“I'm pretty sure it's already taken.”

“So, ER-otica. It's our initials.”

“Taken”

“EandR-otica.”

“Free! I save this url.”

 

They made a pretty blog, wrote a short description with a picture of them (they didn't get too precise in the descriptions, just that they were called E and R, were a couple over 18, that E was gay and R bi, but both very monogamous and that they liked Haribo candies, snakes and filming themselves when fucking) and posted the videos they uploaded on Youporn. The first night, they gained a few followers. It quickly became rather big.

After two months, they had 3 000 followers. That was quite a lot, and they were really happy and proud of this fact. It was nice to see that people enjoyed that they enjoyed themselves. Most of the videos didn't end up on the internet, anyway. Some weren't that good, and the others were too much. They jealously kept for themselves the ones they enjoyed the most; and anyway, most of those were very slow love making and body worshipping. That's not something they wanted to share with anyone.

 

That's the night after they hit the 3 000 followers that Courfeyrac saw the first video. For obvious reasons such as the fact that he's straight, Courfeyrac doesn't go on gay porn websites or blogs. Today was a first, and unbeknownst to his own free will. 

Courfeyrac was on some highly specific subreddits this night, until he saw the post “Porn FAQ+bloopers”. Courfeyrac liked porn, and liked bloopers, so in all logic, he'd like this. The poster wrote a little text explaining that his favourite porn actors just posted two new videos rather SFW but really good, and that they were worth a look whatever your sexual orientation may be, with a link to two Tumblr posts.

 

Courfeyrac clicked the first, started the video and was greeted by his best friend and Grantaire's faces. 

 

He screamed.

 

“Something's wrong?” Marius shouted from their living room.

“No!” Courfeyrac shouted back to his flatmate, as soon as he managed to breathe more normally.

 

Marius didn't inquire more, and let Courfeyrac with the face of his two friends right in front of him, looking at him, piercing his soul. Why the hell were Grantaire and Enjolras on this video. Why the hell were they both wearing hastily slipped on bathrobes, revealing to everyone the three quarters of their torsos and a fairly impressive amount of hickeys. And, they were both radiant.

 

What did that even mean. 

 

_Why._

 

Already regretting it, Courfeyrac played the video, that he stopped by reflex when he screamed. Enjolras and Grantaire's smiles moved a little, and they both waved hello to the camera, before that Grantaire began to talk.

 

“Hello everyone! This video will be in French, because E doesn't speak a word of English, but as you can see I made some subtitles for you. So, we just hit 3 000 followers on Tumblr. That's more than huge! We would like to thank you all, guys!”

“Yes, indeed. That's a really impressive number, for us who began to post videos thinking that no one would ever watch. We're really happy to know that so many people enjoy our hard work...”

“Héhé. Hard.” Grantaire giggled.

“Shut up R.” Enjolras said _playfully_. Enjolras didn't ever say anything _playfully, what was wrong with him._ “Anyway, to thank you everyone, we asked you to ask us all the questions you had, and R chose the best ones and we'll answer them right now!”

“I chose and _translated_ them, because _mister_ doesn't speak English...”

“R... Anyway, let's begin!”

 

Grantaire then proceed to take a folded paper from the desk, cleared his throat for a little more time than necessary just to piss off Enjolras and began to read. On the bottom of the screen, rather than subtitles, the screenshot of the question appeared. 

 

“' _Hello guys, I'm a great fan of yours! I love how loving and caring you always appear on screen. Since when are you two together?_ ' Hello anon, I'm a great fan of us too!”

“Hello anon! Thank you very much. I guess we appear loving and caring because we are? Even if we don't look like it at all at first sight. So, for your question... It's been a while we're together.”

“Like five, six months? I don't remember.” Grantaire cut him, frowning. 

“Yeah, neither do I. That, and we were pinning after each other for over a year before we actually got together.”

“We're impossible. Okay, next question. ' _What are your real names_?'”

“Roger and Barbara.” Enjolras replied immediately.

“Be serious.”

“You're one to talk. Well, I guess we could give our real first names, it's not like we went by them anyway. I'm Antoine, and R is Nicolas.”

“You know, I'm pretty sure than even most of our friends don't know our first names.”

 

And Courfeyrac could testify. He did not know their first names. Even though Enjolras was his best friend. Weeell, it's not like anyone knew his own first name either.

 

“Speaking of our friends” Grantaire continued “' _What is your friends and families' opinion on you doing porn_?'”

“No idea, no one knows. That's not exactly something we're going to shout from the rooftops. Wait... What if at the next family reunion where my parents piss me off, I tell everyone I use my spare time to make porn.”

“Your family will hate you. That's a wonderful idea. And, to finish the answer, none of our friends know either. And that's really great this way.”

 

Oups, thought Courfeyrac.

 

“Oh God, R, imagine if they knew.” Enjolras panicked. “Imagine if they _enjoyed._ ”

“Shut up shut up shut up I don't want to imagine them touching their junk in front of a video of us!”

“Why did you say it, I can't help but imagining it now!”

“Aaaah!”

“Aaaah!”

 

Courfeyrac understood them, he kind of had the exact same mental breakdown right now.

 

“Well, your flatmate must know, no?” Grantaire suddenly said, calming immediately. “Because like, you're flatmates and best friends.”

“Well, he perfectly knows we fuck but not that we film it. Like, you know, we only film when he's out of the flat. Next question.”

“' _Hi, I'm in your college and I sometimes see you between the classes, but I never dare to say hello_ ' Oh, why, you can you know, we don't bite.”

“Well actually we do bite but not in this context” the blond corrected. 

“' _Do you plan to continue your career in porn? If not, do you fear to have problems on the professional plan because of your videos?_ ' Well, we don't plan to because we don't earn any money with our videos, and we don't want to. It's just for fun, you know.”

“And I don't really know what we can be accused of on a professional plan. Like, sorry to have an active and loving committed sex life, but I don't know how it can influence in any way my work skills. And, I mean, having your sex tapes posted by yourself on the net considerably reduce the blackmail you can be victim of.”

“Still, imagine one of your professors follows you. That's... Nope. Okay, next. ' _Hi, I'm thirteen and I really need to have sex because all the other girls in my class already did it, and my boyfriend really wants to. I really love him. How do I do?_ ' Well, first of all you don't. And I'm pretty sure the girls in your class are liars.” 

“Having sex is something you don't _need_ to do, but something you _want_ to do. If you feel like you need to do it to please anyone, it means that it's not the time yet.”

“Also you're only thirteen. Believe me, whatever you can say, at thirteen you're not ready to do anything with anyone. Doing things by yourself and for yourself, okay, but actual sex? Bad idea. You only risk to regret it later. Honestly, wait. If you feel like you're ready, just wait two years, that's nothing, but you need more time, you know? Explain that to your boyfriend, and if he's really the One or something, when you'll be both more mature and aware in two years you'll still be together and then try to have your awkward first time if you both feel like it. But don't force yourself to do anything because people told you so, okay? I know what I'm talking about. I had my first time when I just turned fourteen and that was awful. Even today, I still regret to have done that this way and with this person. To give you an idea, I hadn't had sex for two whole years after it.”

“Was it so bad?” Enjolras asked softly, pressing Grantaire's hand and looking at him sadly.

“Quite, yes. I mean, it could have been worse, it wasn't like I did it at gunpoint or anything. But that one of my big mistakes in life, yes. And, you know kids, it's not because you wait that you're going to worth less or anything. Look at him, he stayed virgin 22 years. _Hein mon puceau préféré_?” Grantaire smiled, the arm around the blond's shoulders and rubbing his face in the crock of his neck.

“He was my first” Enjolras exposed, looking right at the camera and pointing Grantaire with his finger. “And sometimes, like at this exact moment, I have some regrets about it.”

“Hey.” the brunet groaned, falsely angry.

“That's a joke.”

“Okay, next question. ' _What can you do to have good sex? And, how to make a good fellatio?_ '”

“Remember to have fun! If you don't enjoy yourself that's bad sex. As for the fellatio, eye contact, communication, no teeth and don't forget the balls.” 

“True, very true. Also, don't be scared to talk to your partner about things you'd like to try, and don't be scared to say no if they propose things that make you uncomfortable. Next, ' _How is the best way to simulate?_ '”

“It's very easy” Enjolras began. “Try something like: ' _Hey, you should rather do it this way because right now you're doing shit_ '. Orgasms guaranteed. Don't be a dick and tell your partner what you like and how you like it. I don't even understand how someone can simulate and then complain about how they have to simulate to everyone. I mean. Just open your mouth and tell what's wrong to your partner, not to all of your friends. Jeez.”

“' _Do you plan to film yourself with other partners, in duo or threesome_?' Well, to be honest that's not something we ever talked about, but that's also defs _not_ something I'd put on my to-do-list.”

“Out of question for me too. We're in a monogamous and exclusive relationship, I refuse to share my boyfriend with anyone.”

“We're posting videos of us fucking on the internet.”

“Yes, but you know what I mean, R. The thing is, I love you, and I don't want to touch anyone else, or that anyone else touch you. Like, people can get their own bear if they want too, but not you.”

 

Grantaire didn't answer, and just booped his head on Enjolras with a huge smile. Courfeyrac could almost have found them cute if it wasn't two of his best friends half naked and covered in hickeys talking about the porn they're making in their bedrooms.

 

“Okay, next question! Ready E? ' _Are you more a top or a bottom?'_ Well, personally I like both but I prefer topping.”

“And I like both but I prefer bottoming. We're meant to be.”

“It's hard to believe at first, but I hope you're totally right. Next one... _'I'm a girl and my boyfriend really wants us to try sodomy, but I'm not sure..._ ' This one is easy, tell him you he can try sodomy on you if you also try on him. Next, ' _Sometimes, you use condoms and sometimes not, why_ ' Well, we're both tested, in a committed relationship with no risk of pregnancy, so we could go without them, but we have a huge stock of condoms of all shapes and all effects and all tastes, and we really, really like them, so we often use some.” 

“Also, like that you avoid surprises.”

“Hé, yes, that too... Next: ' _E, can you moan for us_?'”

 

He's not going to do it, Courfeyrac wanted to believe as he watched Enjolras giggle. And then, at this very moment, all his childhood, all his golden years, all his youth got burned, step and spat on as his best friend since the age of five made the most lecherous and luscious moan he ever heard. Courfeyrac really, honestly, felt about to cry right now. And Enjolras on his screen seemed to make fun of him, because he was now giggling shyly with his hand in front of his mouth.

 

The fucker.

 

Grantaire read a few more questions (common things like “what do you use to record, how long does it take to make a video” and sadly things that brought Courfeyrac even closer to tears: “what are your favourite positions, what are your favourite toys” -question that they answered by showing off their _huge_ box of accessories hidden under the bed, why was the dildo Courfeyrac offered Enjolras for his 18 th birthday in there, it was supposed to be a gag gift he'd never use) and the video approached its end. Courfeyrac was so relieved. He was sure that if someone let him see a part of Heaven, he'd have the exact same face.

 

“And last question” Grantaire said with a huge smile. “' _Do you have any compromising footage to show us?_ '”

“You mean, more compromising than having a dick up in our arses?”

“And we actually do! We have enough material to make a blooper. We will post it right after this video is uploaded, so stay tuned and watch out the blog! And with that, we conclude this video.”

“Thank you again for everything, guys! I hope you enjoyed this video as much as the others! Until next time!”

 

The video ended. Courfeyrac was looking at the ceiling, with in his mouth a cigarette he lighted a few questions ago. 

 

He saw things he didn't want to see. He heard things he didn't want to hear. He needed to tell things he didn't want to tell.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello ! thanks a lot for the feedback ! Again, sorry for any English mistake, I didn't get magically better in two days (sadly), and enjoy !

As soon as he got a grip of himself, Courfeyrac called Bahorel, because at this hour of the night he was the only one likely to answer the phone. And indeed, after a few rings he was greeted by a blaring “What do you _want_ , Courf?”. Courfeyrac took a few seconds to take a drag on his cigarette, before saying dramatically:

 

“I saw things I shouldn't have”

“Oooh shit.” Bahorel grunted immediately. “Listen, man, if it's about the glitter that is on the T-shirt I just gave back to you, I can explain...”

“What? What did you do to my T-shirt, bastard?”

“Sorry, it was a foolish mistake, and-”

“Well, no, that's not the point.” Courfeyrac cut him. “You know our favourite analogy? Well, we have to find another one.”

“Which one? ' _That's as likely to happen than Enjolras is likely to give sex advice'_ or _'I'm like a unicorn, so wonderful and horny that people think I'm irreal?'”_

“The first. No, wait. I mean. Are you on Facebook right now? I'm messaging you a link.”

 

A few seconds later, Bahorel mumbled “got it”. There was then a few moments of silence, before Bahorel broke it:

 

“EandR-otica? Isn't that a gay porn Tumblr? What are you doing on a gay porn Tumblr, Straightfeyrac?”

“That's not the point! Have you clicked the link?”

“I'm not going on a gay porn Tumblr, okay, if you decided to follow the dark alleys that's your choice and I respect it but that's not my case, and-”

“How do you even know it's _gay_ porn, Straighorel?”

 

There was an awkward silence. Bahorel perfectly knew at this instant that any explication would make things worse. But still.

 

“I saw people talk about it on Tumblr.”

“And you know what ? Considering the content of the video I will believe you. And before you ask, I found the link on Reddit. Just click. Don't let me go through this alone.”

 

Bahorel was a good friend, and thus, clicked the link.

 

Seven seconds later, Courfeyrac's eardrum blew up. Bahorel had a rather high-pitched scream, to say the least.

 

“ _What the FUCK_?”

“I know, right.” Courf said between two drags.

“No, no, no, _no_! _No_! Is that Enjolras and Grantaire? Why is that Enjolras and Grantaire? Why are they half-naked on a porn site, _their_ porn site, why hickeys, why, why? Since when are they even together?”

“Oh God you didn't know they were together either? God you reassure me to no end, I thought I was the only one.”

“No, I didn't know. I think no one knows.”

“Considering what they say on the video, it's been a while Combeferre does.”

“What a bitch. He betted fifty last week, and he's like the only one who has a bet on them. He's going to ruin us.” Bahorel groaned. “Should I watch the rest?”

“Well, if you want to see Enjolras giving sex advice, yes. Otherwise, come over and watch their bloopers with me, I can't survive more of it alone.”

“They made bloopers? Dorks. I'm here in one minute. But you know, you could have directly have knocked at my door, I live right across the corridor.”

“I saw my prude childhood best friend make the most erotic moan a man can do, I'm too shocked to move, my youth is broken in tiny, tiny pieces.”

 

One minute later, Bahorel was knocking at the door. Courfeyrac stood up to open, walking past Marius who was watching a film in the living-room.

 

“You took your time, fucker.”

“I had to choose the pyjama you'd like the best for our little slumber party.”

“Don't call it that, please. That's a horror movie, okay.” Courfeyrac said, letting Bahorel enter the flat. Marius, still on his couch turned his head toward the newcomer, and asked:

“Are you watching a horror movie? Can I come?”

“That's not your age, Marius” Bahorel answered.

“That's a story about lies, treason and non-trust into your best friends.”

 

The freckled boy (hey! He was twenty) frowned. What the hell were they talking about.

 

“Can you believe that Enjolras and Grantaire told no one that they were together? Can you believe it? Enjolras is my best friend for almost twenty years, and he didn't tell me?”

“Well, I did know...” Marius replied, realising too late it was a bad idea.

“What? Even _you_ know, but not me? Why is that?”

“Well...” the redhead tried, hesitantly. “One day Enjolras came, totally panicked, asking for pliers because they lost the keys of the handcuffs during sex. But, I already had big doubts before that, they aren't exactly... Discreet? Like, I already heard them talking about sex scenes they're filming, I think they're putting them on the Internet or something.”

 

Courfeyrac just swore of despair. Even Pontmercy knew. And Enjolras didn't tell him. His best friend. He was so, so, so, so pissed. Him and Bahorel said bye to Marius, who, after being told they were about to watch their bloopers, replied that he'd prefer to watch the end of his film alone rather than a gay porn video with two other dudes. Reply that Courfeyrac and Bahorel shrugged off. Show that you can be brave sometimes, Pontmercy. They quickly sat up on Courfeyrac's bed, the laptop far, far away from them, just close enough to be able to see something.

 

“Baho, do you realise I'm about to watch my best friend getting fucked?”

“Oh please, it's not their actual stuff, it's bloopers, we won't see anything.”

 

How wrong he was. The very first scene involved Grantaire and Enjolras fucking very hard. So hard that Grantaire bumped his head to the bedpost. Hard enough to make him shout, stopping immediately any action of frickle-frackle he was doing beforehand and turning Enjolras in a panicked mother hen.

 

“Oh God, you remember? Last month he had a huge, huge bruise on the forehead exactly at this place!” the boxer shouted. “This explains that.”

“Did we want this explanation, though?”

 

The second scene was Enjolras miserably falling out of bed. Then, there was one where Grantaire was being rode and was rambling about whichever Greek figure Enjolras made him think at this very moment, Enjolras who was desperately trying to shut him up. A lot of them where one -or both- having stupidly laughing for a reason or another. One of them was Enjolras having a particularly impressive laughter fit after a terrible pun Grantaire made, and it visibly lasted for long considering that they cut this scene to slip it in pieces between the others, Enjolras becoming gradually redder and out of breath.

Another scene was cut in several parts, one where Grantaire was handcuffed to the bedpost and E was panicking because they lost the key (probably the thing Marius was talking about). After twos pieces where we saw him looking around everywhere in the bedroom, the third was him bringing some water to the still very handcuffed Grantaire, and he told him, anxious “ _I'm really really sorry I'm running at 'Fey he must have pliers sorry do you prefer if-” “I don't really care can you turn on the TV before you leave please”._ From time to time, a scene of a handcuffed Grantaire complaining about the channel appeared, to remind us of his gloomy destiny.

Some scenes were rather … interesting. Like, this one weird position they were trying.

 

“Man, look!” Bahorel screeched, pointing at the screen. “Have you seen how flexible Grantaire is? You can see very well that he used to dance ballet!”

“Well, I mostly see that Enjolras is definitely not as flexible as him, and if he tries to bend more he's going to-” -a loud pain scream comes from the laptop- “-as I said. Ouch, I'm pretty sure he stuck his back. You know what, when you forget that they're friends of us, it's actually rather hilarious.”

“You know what'll be hilarious? The meeting tomorrow.”

“Don't talk about it.”

“How will we be able to look at them without laughi-oh my _god_ that's definitely not a blooper that's an actual sex scene oh no no no no no!” the chestnut-haired boxer shouted.

 

And indeed, on screen were frolicking a tied up Enjolras and a Grantaire riding him, accompanied by a _huge_ lot of moans from both parts. Until a loud bump stopped them. “ _R,_ w _hat is that?_ ” “ _That was the window!” “That must be a fucking pigeon don't tell me a fucking pigeon ran into the window” “Sorry E, a fucking pigeon ran into the window”_ Grantaire said as he opened it to see. “ _Look it's dead” “A fucking pigeon crashed into our window and died while we were having sex. Why.”_

After the pigeon, they were in a really heated scene full of moans and groans, until Enjolras begins to convulse, panick and push Grantaire without even realising. Grantaire who immediately asked, scared, what was wrong. Enjolras took a few moments to breathe before replying “ _I think I just had an orgasm_ ” “ _You_ what _?” “No, I mean, I already have had orgasms before. But I got, like,_ the _orgasm.” “You make no sense.” “You're just jealous to not have reached_ the _orgasm yet” “well, so it means you dunno how to use your dick.” “Wow, that's rude R. That's not what you say when it's far up in your ass.”_

The next scene was Enjolras, sat up and looking straight to the camera, holding Grantaire's definitely not hard dick in his hand while the brunet was lying on the bed and tried hard to not laugh while Enjolras was talking. “ _I tried everything, from mouth-to mouth to CPR, but it was too late. It's 10:05 PM and I can attest the death of Mister Dick, right here. I'm going to announce it to the family.”_ At this moment, Grantaire lost it and broke in a huge fit of laughter, quickly followed by Enjolras.

 

“My sex life is pure shit.” Courfeyrac said, more for himself than anything. “Even when they can't get it hard they have fun.”

 

Another scene was them using weird toys (Courfeyrac didn't even know _that_ existed...) when out of nowhere a loud “ _Hello I'm back I brought pizza! I put it on a plate and bring it to you_ ” -both Courf and Bahorel automatically recognised Combeferre- cut them mid-action. The two voyeurs were laughing their asses off, while both R and E trying to hide everything, and hearing one of them saying with a high-pitched tone “ _it's stuuuck! My vibro is stuck help before Combeferre come in”_ didn't help their hysterical laughter.

Handcuffed Grantaire returned, this time he was watching the ceiling when the sound of the front door opening cut him out of his reverie. He began to shout “ _Hey! Come come!_ ” and ten seconds later, it was the bedroom's door that you could hear opening, quickly followed by a “ _No no no no no!_ ” He was out off screen, but it was definitely Combeferre's voice. “ _Listen, I don't mind if you and Enj are into... SM and all, it's your life... But I don't wish to be involved into any of this, am I clear? If it's your thing to be tied up all day long, okay as long as you're safe and consenting, but I'm going to close this door and never going to think about it again, okay?_ ” “ _No! Don't leave! I need you to change the channel on TV this is pure shit! And that's not my thing to be tied up there half-naked, you know; but we lost the keys. Enj ran at Courf's to get pliers and he let me with the worse channel, can you believe it?”_ The sound of a deep sigh. “ _I'm going to watch on the internet how to open the handcuffs.” “No no no wait the channel first! Man! Noo! Don't let me with_ Plus belle la vie _that's illegal! Dude!”_

And now, they're playing Jedis with their dicks.

The next scene is _quite_ visibly Enjolras getting a blowjob and _pretty much_ enjoying it, and that until his cellphone begins to buzz on the nightstand. And believe it or not, this fucker answered. “ _Well, hello?_ ” A little out of breath, but perfectly understandable. “ _Oh, Courf! That's you! If it's about the meeting tonight, I'm quite busy right now..._ ”

 

“Oh my God, _no_ ” Courfeyrac mumbled, the hand on his forehead. “No, no, no, don't tell me that's what I think it is.”

“Well I'm pretty sure that's Enjolras talking to the phone with you while getting blown. Man, how have you not be able to tell he was having the shaft cleaned up, have you heard his moans and his breath and-”

“I see it, Bahorel. And I thought he was _jogging_.”

“Jogging? Are you kidding me?”

“Oh, shut up, ten minutes ago you also still thought that he was as virgin as Mother Theresa, you wouldn't even have imagined either that he'd answer the phone when getting blown.”

 

Touché.

 

The last scene was the conclusion of Enjolras' laugh fit. He was redder than Marius in front of Cosette, and tears streamed down his radiant face. “ _You're calm now?_ ” “ _Yeah_ ” “ _Okay let's make the beast with two backs_ ”, and Enjolras went back to hysterical laughter as soon as Grantaire finished the sentence. The video ended. Courfeyrac looked at Bahorel. Bahorel looked at Courfeyrac. They had the same look in their eyes: regret, terror, and apprehension.

 

“How are we going to look at them in the eyes tomorrow?” Bahorel shushed. “Now every time I'll see Enjolras I'll think about his tiny dick.”

“And when I'll look at Grantaire, I'll think about him playing laser saber with his cock.”

“You know what? Let's go to bed and deal with it in the morning. We ned to sleep first”

 

And so they did.

 

At the meeting at the Musain the following night, they still hadn't decided about how to deal with all of this. Both of them arrived really early with Marius -actually, they even were the firsts-, and they anxiously began to play with their beer glasses, waiting for everyone to arrive.

 

“We don't tell anyone that we know, okay?” Bahorel said.

“Yes. We have to stay calm, relaxed and normal. Like if we hadn't seen our best friends filming porn.”

“Exaaactly... No need to be awkward or to feel awkward. Nothing is awkward.”

 

Of course when everyone arrived, the two of them turned into the most awkward human beings on earth -Marius, him, was too busy with his phone for all of this-, looking at walls and the ceiling to avoid any eye contact with their friends who began to fill the backroom of the café.

 

“I feel like Joly can see through my soul” Courfeyrac shushed to Bahorel. “He _knows_ we hide something”

“No, he just feels your fear. He's like wolves and tigers. He feels your fear to eat you. Don't show you're scared.”

“Hey guys!”

 

Courf and Bahorel shuddered and sat straight. Oh God. Right in front of them. Grantaire.

 

“Heeeeeey...” Bahorel tried.

“Hello... Nicolas” Courfeyrac failed.

 

The boxer kicked Courfeyrac hard in the leg below the table. Grantaire just frowned, took a sip of his beer, and said.

 

“How do you know my name?”

“I just... guessed?

“Oh. Okay. You're good with guessing, man.”

 

Next to him, sat Combeferre and Enjolras. Holy shit. How were they supposed to deal with it.

 

“Heeeeey!” Feuilly hesitantly greet from the table next to theirs. “Er... How are you, guys?”

“Hum... fine?” Enjolras replied, arching his eyebrow.

“Great. Great. That's great.”

“Is there something wrong, Feuilly?”

“Wrong? Wrong? No. No no no no no!” the redhead defended himself. “Nothing wrong, absolutely not! Because, you know what? As long as you're happy, and okay with... anything, everything is fine. And, know that whatever happens, you're my friend and you'll stay my friend. You too, Grantaire.”

“Okaaaaay...”

 

Courfeyrac leant discreetly toward Bahorel and whispered to him: “ _I think Feuilly knows.” “You don't say_.”

 

In front of them, Enjolras and Grantaire seemed to grow more and more confused, while Combeferre had his hands in front of his face and was biting his lips very hard.

 

“You know,” Jehan stated out of the blue. “I'm gay.”

“We _know,_ Jehan?” Grantaire replied, totally lost. “I mean, it's not like we never saw any of your boyfriends.”

“I'm gay.” the poet continued “And I'm sexually aroused when I'm used as a piece of furniture, especially tables. And that's okay. Because our friends are really open-minded and would accept any of us whatever their kinks are.”

“He's right, you know” Joly added. “Know that whatever you- Wait Jehan, you _what_?”

 

Jean then proceeded to give some graphic explanation, until Bossuet cut him.

 

“Jehan, shut up, that's not the point” the bald man said; and then, when he realised that everyone was now focused on him, he hesitantly said: “The point is... Ehm... Enjolras. Grantaire. Have you been on the internet today?”

 

Both Enjolras and Grantaire frowned at their friend, who was trying to smile in a reassuring way. 'Trying' is the key word.

 

“No? I mean, I went quickly yesterday night, but I had classes all day long today, sorry to not be on the internet H24?” the blond answered, followed by Grantaire.

“Okaaay. So, how can I explain it.” Bossuet muttered. “Er, do you know what a meme is?”

 

“ _What are they talking about?_ ” Bahorel whispered. Courfeyrac just grimaced and shake his head.

 

“Yes, I'm aware of what a meme is” Enjolras replied, lost.

“Well. Hum. You're in three of them.”

“What?”

“Er” Joly stammered. “One of them involves you both being half-naked and covered in hickeys. And, well, we quit the website page in terror right after seeing it.”

 

The understanding was immediate. Enjolras throw his head back and growled in frustration, while Grantaire banged his head on the table and shout a loud “no!”.

Courfeyrac swallowed with difficulty, before saying:

 

“Uhm. You know. Even if you make porn, we still love you. No, no wait. Not love-love, but, you know? Love-er... love. We don't love you like you love each other? _You know, the love that you forget to tell us about_. Well, not this one. Love, but like, I don't want to see any centimetre of your dicks anymore.”

“Well for Enjolras a centimetre is all of it ain't it!” Bahorel shouted happily.

“You've seen the videos, no?” Jehan asked. “You should have seen that Enj may not have the biggest penis out there but he still knows how to use it more than correctly.”

 

Both Enjolras and Grantaire were so red that they almost looked purple. It was something both cute and terrifying.

 

“Wait, what videos?” Joly asked. “Bossuet, Musichetta and I only have seen the memes this morning.”

“I also only saw the memes first” Feuilly replied, “You know, the one with the pigeon. But I read in the comment sections and that's where I learnt they were porn actors. I haven't seen the videos, though.”

“Feuilly gave me the links of the meme” Combeferre explained “And I went on the blog, and I look around it. The living room, the kitchen and the bathroom were supposed to be sex-free zones, Enjolras.”

“I watched their FAQ alone, and then I called Bahorel to watch the bloopers with me. Because they made a FAQ and bloopers; what dorks. And no, before you ask, the bloopers weren't safe for work. Enjolras, I hate you so much. You didn't say anything to me. Traitor.”

“I saw a blurred version of the bloopers someone uploaded on Youtube this night” Jehan explained. “That's how I knew. So I went on the blog and I watched some of the other videos. I have to admit they're really well-made. I came twice.”

“And I was aware from the beginning!” Marius conclude. “Wait Jehan you _what_?”

 

Enjolras had now a normal breath rate, but was still so red he looked about to faint. He expires, before trying to calmly state:

 

“We didn't say you we make erotica in my bedroom for an obvious reason, this reason being this exact situation. And we didn't tell that we were together because we thought you knew. And we're not found of PDA so maybe, yes, you may not have noticed. But I know that we did kiss a few times when you were around guys.”

“Yes but, you were drunk at those times so it doesn't count.” Courfeyrac replied. “That, or it seemed like a friend-kiss.”

“You kiss your friends on the lips?”

“Well, maybe we were a little blind. But you can talk, you were pining over each other for a year without noticing. But you told Combeferre? Combeferre knew? Combeferre who bet on you, the little bitch? He knew so he bet. But, even Marius knew? But not any of us? But not me? You didn't tell me? Your Best Friend Forever? We made friendship bracelets in seventh grade. I thought they meant something to you. But you're just so heartless, Enjolras.”

 

Enjolras took offence immediately, and argued back in a heartbeat. Because, hey, no one can be stupid enough to not realise that kissing someone on the lips means you're in a couple with them.

While Enjolras and Courfeyrac had a heated quarrel about trust, friendship and honesty, the others slightly turned towards Grantaire, who hadn't talk for a long time.

 

“A pigeon flew into your window and died once?” Bahorel asked, remembering the bloopers.

“Oh that. Yes. It was so fucking funny; I called him the Pigeon de Paris”

“Noooo you didn't” Bossuet said.

“Yeeees I did. But don't worry, l'Aigle de Meaux, as long as Enjolras' room is at the fifth floor you don't risk to do the same as him, and-”

“I really liked this one video” Jehan cut him. “The one where you tie Enjolras up and blindfold him and you take him by behind while pulling his hair. I came with this video. I came the second time with the one where you're handcuffed and Enjolras takes you and doesn't let you orgasm until you wax some poesy to his beauty and goodness.”

 

Grantaire didn't even answer, and just hide his reddening face in his hands. Talking about a pigeon dying on his window was a thing. Talking about how he loves to be taken in the ass, tied up and denied orgasm was another.

 

“Wow. My sex life is shit.” Joly said, impressed.

“Well, _thank you_. And thanks from Musichetta too.” Bossuet groaned.

“Maybe we should watch some of those videos to have inspiration?” the medical student slyly grinned.

“No you shouldn't! I refuse that any of you watch one more of our videos, am I clear?”

 

And, while Enjolras and Courfeyrac were still busy arguing about which one was the shittiest Best Friend Forever, Marius was sending snapchats to Cosette and the others Amis were teasing Grantaire to no end, Combeferre sat more comfortably in his chair to watch all his friends. He was so happy. With the bet on Enjolras and Grantaire's couple, he won six hundred euros.

This little asshole he had as a best friend and flatmate could still have tell him that he turned porn in their flat, though. He _sat_ on this couch. 


End file.
